___:X: Love.Friendship.Hatred. :X:__

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Close to a week I have been denying the fact that I was emo. I insist that I was just down, thats all. Everytime someone ask 'Daijobu?' my answer will be always 'Heki heki~' The actually fact is I'm not at all. The mask I wore somehow succeeded in covering up the pain I with held.

Sometimes feeling too tired or difficulties in breathing,the mask will be taken off for a fresher air. That is when occasional glimsp of downness was being caught. After that day,I refuse to take down the mask infront of anyone anymore. I don't want to be ask 'daijobu' anymore! As it hurts me more knowing that the question being ask was meant for her more then me.

Hence,I joke around with everyone. I was energetic infront of everyone. Infact,I was acting a bit too energetic. Trying to cover the thought of everyone that I'm down. I guess I did succeed in some ways?

It hurts me to know that you got all the attention and concern. While I was being treated as being normal. Its just unfair everyone thinks that you are the one hurting most.

I know its worst for me to be ranting about it over here,but I don't think I have the courage to face you. I'm just not as strong as everyone often thinks. I succumbs whenever being left alone to face the dark world.

I wish we were as before. I wish this had never happen. This few days had been one of the worst times for me. I'm not used to the fact we ain't really in talking terms. I hate the fact that I have to act as thought nothing happened. I hate the fact that no one actually realise how much I'm hurting inside.

At this moment,I really wish I could turn back time. Turn back to the time when I refrain myself from nosing into something not concerning me. All of this would not have happen. All I want is our friendship.

I can't stand all of this anymore. I'm not strong remember? When the times come I will fail straight down and refuse to climbs back up again. Yes! This is what I'm doing now. I refuses to climb back up into the light again. I rather stay in the cold dark pit whereby I don't have to express my emotions out.

Until this is resolve,everyone will see the new me. Quiet perhaps. After all,I don't really think anyone would bother right? You'll still live your life. Its not like without me you would die. I'm not that great of a person.

Time would solve everything perhaps. But I fear that this time, time will only worsen things. I don't want all this to end. But here I am locking everything up into my metal box inside my heart,not willing to open up. The key to it has been thrown away as it has always been. Guess it has to be force open then.

My dearest friend,you know I will never open up unless really being asked. I'm sorry.

*~MaeYan~*

♥8:14 PM

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